There’s this scene in Bad Boys II (yes, we’re starting a column by referencing Bad Boys II, deal with it). In it, the villainous druglord, Johnny Tapia, is told that rats in the attic are literally eating his cash. After seeing the problem for himself, he turns to one of his flunkies and says, “Carlos, this is a stupid f*****g problem to have, but it is a problem nonetheless.” Side note: Not sure PETA folks like this movie too much.
Well, life’s full of these stupid f******g problems and we’re just the people to point them out. Here are our top ten stupid problems that feel like rats are eating your millions of dollars when they happen to you:
1) Not Recording Enough Time For a Live Event On Your DVR
. . . Ten seconds left, tie game, LeBron dribbling at the top of the key, he starts his drive, and . . . screen goes black; or
. . . and the Best Picture goes to . . . La La Land . . . screen goes black; or
. . . Tony Soprano is sitting with his family, the music builds, and . . . screen goes black. Sorry. Bad example.
You get the picture. Few things are worse than setting your DVR, enjoying 2 hours of a previously recorded live event, and then missing the last minute because you didn’t DVR the 1/2 hour afterward. And after you avoided social media, your texts, and everything else to prevent spoiler alerts too!
2) Cutting Yourself Shaving
This is a simple enough problem whether you’re a man or a woman. You do everything you’re supposed to: You buy the right razor. You maintain it well. You use shaving cream. And then bam! Blood. It shouldn’t be a problem except this is one of those cuts that won’t stop bleeding. Now you’re running through about a million different ideas to literally stop the bleeding. After all, you don’t want to be that person with a giant band-aid on your face or bleeding through your clothes.
3) Forgetting Your Email Password
Forgetting your Apple ID or other passwords is bad enough. Not as bad as forgetting something like your Gmail password though. You’ll probably have to remember your third cousin’s grandmother’s favorite toy growing up before you can get back in. Either that your you’ll have to check your back-up email for the recovery password. Good luck remembering that AOL password last used in 2004.
4) Smoke Alarm at 3:00 a.m.
Why do smoke alarm batteries always run out of juice in the middle of the night? And why don’t they stop beeping even after you change the battery? We’re sure that smoke alarms have saved plenty of lives. But we’re also sure that they are operated by the devil.
5) Paper Cuts
They hurt. They bleed. And nobody else thinks anything of them when you’re the one who gets them.
That wasn’t a paper cut scene but let’s be honest. Any chance to replay that scene from Step Brothers, you do it.
6) Forgetting Your Underwear and Not Realizing It Until You’ve Finished Showering . . . At the Gym
This is a major nightmare. You’re left with two options and neither of them are good: a) Go commando, a.k.a. no underwear under your clothes; or b) Wear the underwear you just sweat through during your workout. In the grand scheme of life, there are far larger worries. But when this one happens to you, it sure doesn’t feel that way.
7) Thinking You’ve Lost Your Cell Phone While You’re Talking To Someone . . . On Your Cell Phone
This is the second cousin of “Not Being Able to Find Your Glasses Because You’re Wearing Them”. The difference here is that you’re probably throwing a public hissy fit and getting laughed at for a solid minute until your jerk friend on the other line finally tells you that you haven’t lost your cell phone because you’re talking on it.
8) Eyelash In Your Eye
This isn’t a problem . . . as long as your cool with looking like a coke fiend who can’t stop blinking and rubbing his eyes. Just calm down, go to the bathroom, make sure your hands are clean, and get that bad boy out. All will be well.
9) Forgetting Where You Parked Your Car
This is a particularly bad mis-step at a large mall or a football stadium. You never realize how many cars look exactly like yours until you lose it in a parking lot.
10) Middle of the Night Foot Cramp
Literally the worst.