January 31, 3017 – President Trump, White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus, Chief Strategist Steve Bannon, and White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer are seated around a table in the clubhouse at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago Golf Club. Thanks to a well-placed camera, we were able to pick up a portion of their conversation. The transcript is below.
SEAN SPICER: EXCELLENT ROUND MR. PRESIDENT, JUST EXCELLENT! A NEW COURSE RECORD! TREMENDOUS!
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Thank you Sean. I told you, it’s only necessary for you to yell and wear suits that are properly tailored for the press conferences.
SEAN SPICER: UNDERSTOOD!
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Steve, how are we looking today?
Steve Bannon stares at Reince Priebus for approximately 30 seconds.
REINCE PRIEBUS: We’re getting some blowback regarding your comments directed at Bibi on the Israeli settlements.
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Blowback? From the Hebes? Don’t they know that Ivanka and Jared are Hebes?
REINCE PRIEBUS: Mr. President, you can’t say Hebes. It’s anti-Semitic. You have to say Jews.
PRESIDENT TRUMP: No, no. Steve said it’s impossible for me to be anti-Semitic because Ivanka and Jared are Hebes. I have anti-Semite immunity, like on Survivor. Good show. Ratings not as good as Celebrity Apprentice when I was on. Good show though. Better than that silly Schwarzenegger. So you see, I have anti-Semite Survivor immunity. Right, Steve?
Steve Bannon nods.
SEAN SPICER: PRESIDENT TRUMP IS NOT ANTI-SEMITIC! HE LOVES HIS DAUGHTER, HIS SON-IN-LAW, AND ALL JEWS!
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Thank you Sean. I’ll move the sanctions on Iran up to this week just in case.
SEAN SPICER: HE SANCTIONED IRAN! AND I JUST WANT TO SAY, I DON’T THINK ANYONE HAS EVER LOVED JEWS MORE THAN PRESIDENT TRUMP!
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Thank you Sean.
Reince Priebus rolls his eyes.
SEAN SPICER: PRESIDENT TRUMP, THOSE HOLES-IN-ONE YOU HAD TODAY WERE EXTRAORDINARY!
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Thank you Sean. Is Bernhard Langer here yet? When is his voter fraud press conference? After Melania’s immigration status press conference?
Steve Bannon nods.
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Tomorrow’s February. What are we doing for Afro-Negro Month?
REINCE PRIEBUS: I think that you mean African-American. But it’s actually referred to as Black History Month, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT TRUMP: That’s what I said Reince.
REINCE PRIEBUS: No, you said . . .
SEAN SPICER: YES MR. PRESIDENT, WE ALL HEARD IT. REINCE IS MERELY REFERRING TO THE FAKE NEWS REPORTS FROM CNN AND THEIR REPORTS ON HOW YOU REFERRED TO BLACK HISTORY MONTH!
REINCE PRIEBUS: What fake news reports? He just said it!
SEAN SPICER: MR. PRESIDENT, HAD ANYONE SHOT A 27 ON THE BACK NINE BEFORE YOU DID SO THIS MORNING?
REINCE PRIEBUS: Am I the only one who realizes that we didn’t play golf today?
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Steve, can I fire Reince yet?
Steve Bannon shakes his head indicating no.
PRESIDENT TRUMP: So we’re doing the press conference with Ben Carson and Omarosa for Black Month tomorrow?
REINCE PRIEBUS: *cough* Black History Month *cough*
PRESIDENT TRUMP: What was that Reince?
REINCE PRIEBUS: Nothing Mr. President.
Kim Jong-un walks into the clubhouse with his golf caddie.
CADDIE: Excellent round Supreme Leader. A hole-in-one on every hole for a new course record!
President Trump turns bright red in anger and stands up.
PRESIDENT TRUMP: That’s it! I’m nuking North Korea!
Steve Bannon nods and smiles.
*Note: The above is all made up. I know that you knew that. It’s just that I don’t trust President Trump to read this and not throw me in a prison somewhere that nobody’s ever heard of.