Bad News Is Coming When . . .

The Dolphins’ signing of Jay Cutler to a one-year deal for $10 million has led to an abundance of hot takes. Most of them have to do either with Cutler looking about as amused to be playing football as your five year old is to finish his or her Brussels sprouts, or with the fact that even Jay Cutler gets another chance before Kaepernick. I mean, all of those excuses people used about Kaep not being signed are out the window now that Cutler is on a team (disinterested in football, not in playing shape, etc.). But rather than give you just another example of something you’ve likely read already, how about using this Cutler signing as a jump off for a far more fun exercise? The following is my list, in no particular order, of 50 headlines you read or soundbites you hear which give you that sense of impending doom. Whether it’s coming in the next five seconds or five months, something bad is on the horizon.

  1. “[Insert your favorite NFL team here] and Jay Cutler have expressed mutual interest.”
  2. “[Insert your favorite NFL team here] and coach Jeff Fisher have expressed mutual interest.”
  3. “The NCAA has issued the following ruling: . . .”
  4. Any female in sports journalism tweets anything.

Note: This is not a reflection on females in sports journalism. It is a comment on how horrid and sexist their trolls are.

  1. “[Insert pitcher here] left the game with tightness in his elbow.”
  2. “[Insert athlete here] . . . vitamin supplement . . .”
  3. “Coming up next on SportsCenter, Adam ‘Pacman’ Jones . . .”
  4. Any athlete with a man bun does anything. Man buns are dead giveaways.
  5. “[Insert athlete here] had a back and forth with a fan leading to . . .”
  6. “Derrick Rose had to leave the game due to . . .”
  7. “[Insert athlete here] was at [insert strip club here] at 2:00 a.m. when . . .”
  8. “[Insert golfer here] has made his last 48 putts inside of five feet.”
  9. “[Insert field goal kicker here] is 27 for 27 inside of 50 yards this season.”
  10. “[Insert free throw shooter here] is as automatic from the line as they come.”
  11. “[Insert pitcher here] is perfect through 6 and two thirds now.”
  12. “[Insert athlete here]’s 4:00 a.m. tweet has gone viral.”

Note: Fast forward to “[Insert same athlete here] claims his account was hacked.”

  1. “Coming up next, ESPN’s legal analyst . . .”
  2. “Matt Barnes . . . Derek Fisher . . .”
  3. “James Dolan has decided to . . .”
  4. “Shannon Briggs . . .”

Note: Watch this video.

  1. “Roger Goodell has issued the following statement: . . .”
  2. “[Insert athlete here] has advice for Colin Kaepernick.

Note: Especially bad when the athlete has a criminal record. Kaepernick notably does not.

  1. “[Insert baseball player at-bat here] took three seconds too long to round the bases on a home run against [insert pitcher here] three years ago . . .”
  2. “[Insert athlete here]’s significant other has taken to social media . . .”
  3. “Skip Bayless thinks . . .”
  4. “We have Stephen A. Smith here to discuss the boxing fight between . . .”
  5. “[Insert wide receiver here] had the following to say about his [insert quarterback here] . . .”
  6. “[Insert athlete here] has issued the following statement: . . .”
  7. “A new study regarding CTE in football has revealed that . . .”
  8. “Lavar Ball . . . [insert female person who had to deal with Lavar Ball here] . . .”
  9. “[Insert athlete here] was seen at a nightclub with [insert Kardashian or Jenner family member here].”
  10. “The crowd in [insert European soccer stadium here] could be heard directing chants at [insert African born soccer player here]. . .”
  11. “[Insert golfer here] and his caddy going for the [high-five/fist bump] . . .”
  12. “The New York Jets rejected conventional wisdom this past offseason when they . . .”
  13. “The New York Jets are on the clock.”
  14. “Now we go to footage of [insert musician here] throwing out the first pitch at [insert baseball stadium here].”
  15. “The NCAA is looking into allegations at [insert university here] that occurred while [Rick Pitino/John Calipari/Jim Calhoun/really, any college basketball or football coach] was at the helm.”
  16. “Fourth and goal from the two. [Insert quarterback here] drops back and looks to [insert wide receiver] on the fade route . . .”
  17. “[Insert NFL team here] is going to the prevent defense with 1:30 to go . . .”
  18. “Cleveland up by 6. LeBron James is going to the bench for a quick breather . . .”
  19. “Tiger Woods . . . car . . .”
  20. “Marvin Lewis is challenging the ruling on the field . . .”
  21. “Ricky Rubio pulls up and fires from 3-point range . . .”
  22. “Curt Schilling had something to say about the . . .”
  23. “As Dennis Rodman departs for North Korea . . .”
  24. “[Insert college football/basketball coach] on paying players and the value of an education for student-athletes remarked that . . .”
  25. “Hope Solo commented on . . .”
  26. “[Insert athlete not named Damian Lillard here] is trying his hand at becoming a rap artist . . .”
  27. “The Russian Olympic [insert sport here] team’s tests have come back and . . .”
  28. “Fourth down for the Seahawks. The game comes down to this. Pete Carroll has the play call in . . .”

Think I missed any? Hit me up at @RudinWrites on Twitter.

13 thoughts on “Bad News Is Coming When . . .

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