In an unprecedented scoop for Rudin Writes, I somehow got a hold of an op-ed that Lindsey Graham was preparing to submit to various newspapers. Don’t ask me how I got it, because I’ll never tell you. And no, that’s not because it doesn’t exist or because I made it all up.
Below you will find the contents of the Op-ed. It is a weird list of things that Senator Graham thinks are harming our society. I would tell you to enjoy, but nothing involving Senator Lindsey Graham is enjoyable, even satire.
By: Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC)
Society is going down the drain. President and Supreme Leader Donald J. Trump is trying his darnedest to save us, but the Democrats are still managing to murder our society, much in the way they want to murder babies, grandmas, and puppies. Therefore, in an effort to save our once great nation, I’ve compiled a list of things that we can do away with to restore our nation to its racist, sexist, and homophobic past. As you know, unfortunately, we live in a post-racial society where women are treated equally and so are the gays. It’s true. I heard it on Fox News. Ok, here’s the list:
5. Voting Rights
Equal voting rights are bad. Thankfully the courts are starting to see that we were far better off when only white land-owning males could vote. As long as racial gerrymandering continues to be prevalent and the Voting Rights Act of 1965 is not reinstated, we’ll be able to hold sway the way we should. You don’t want millions of illegals voting in your elections do you? Well, it could happen. It hasn’t happened, but it could!
[Editor’s note: Someone whispered into Senator Graham’s ear that President Trump has stated that millions of people here illegally actually vote in elections.]
Did I say that it hasn’t happened? Well that’s wrong! You didn’t hear me correctly. The illegals are here! They’re taking our jobs and they’re voting mucho! Down with the VRA! Long live racial gerrymandering!
4. Bette Midler
She is a deranged lunatic and is a threat to the President of the United States, His Holiness, Donald J. Trump. Need I say more?
3. Women Announcing Sports
Why does anyone think that women know anything about sports? Sports are a man’s world. But no, the PC culture and the liberal, pink hat wearing sycophants pushing it want us to think that women can announce men’s basketball and football games. You don’t see men trying to steal the women’s place in the kitchen do you? Well how about you women leave the sports to us, okay?
What’s that? There are men who do cooking shows now? Darn it to heck!
2. Minority and Bi-Racial Families In Commercials
Remember the good old days when you could just sit back and watch your television without seeing a black man and a white woman eating Cheerios on your TV? Well those days are over. Now we are meant to believe that families made up of more than one race are acceptable. Can you believe that? Robert E. Lee would be turning over in his grave. And he was a great general!
1. Gay Minorities in Commercials
Pretty much the same problem as above, only infinitely worse, you know, because of the gay.
So there you have it my fellow citizens. If we can get rid of gay people and bi-racial families in commercials, women in sports, voting rights, and Bette Midler, we’ll be well on our way to restoring the moral fabric of our once great society.