Did you ever wonder what would happen if the NBA’s MVP was decided via rap battle, 8 Mile style? Probably not. But in case you did, we found a transcript of the four MVP candidates squaring off in one such rap battle.
The emcee for the battle was none other than Damian Lillard. Damian was chosen, one, because he is RW’s sleeper candidate for MVP next season; and two, because Lillard is a real emcee. Not a fake one like the times Shaq, Kobe, Iverson, and other NBAers have tried to rap. Damian Lillard can absolutely flow.
Without further ado, here is the transcript of the 2016-2017 MVP rap battle:
Damian Lillard: First round, we’ve got Kawhi Leonard, and Russell Westbrook. Now it’s time for the coin toss. Kawhi, you call it.
Kawhi Leonard: Heads.
Damian Lillard: You got it.
Kawhi Leonard: Let me go first against this choke artist.
Damian Lillard: Okay, okay, showin’ some confidence. Deejay, 45 seconds, spin that . . .
ROUND ONE – KAWHI LEONARD
This guy’s a choke artist
Western Conference Finals three to one
You’re nothing, just a fad, like Kentucky one and done
You run up and down, but your game’s just weak
Out of control, acting like you’re millin’ but you’re meek
You ain’t a champ, I’m the man
Without KD you’re The Joker without a plan
‘Bout to get bounced in round one
You’re a pistol but I’m the top gun
Listen up just this once
You might have stats but you’re a basketball dunce.
Like a chicken with his head cut off
Running around choking on your last breath
But don’t worry your playoffs will give you a quick death
Chasin’ triple-doubles but catching L’s
Game leaving you stupid, choking Latrell Sprewell
Spurs’ll run all over you, call it a sweep
Cobra Kai, I’m gonna sweep that leg
You’ll be crying for me to stop but I’m gonna make you beg
Get off your knees, you didn’t come to play
And take your ass back home to south of L.A.
Damian Lillard: Okay, okay, very nice, very nice. Let me get that mike. Pretty good, pretty good. Russ, it’s your turn. 45 seconds. Let this dude feel it. Yo deejay, spin that . . .
ROUND ONE – RUSSELL WESTBROOK
This guy plays like Coach Pop’s puppet
Crying all game for permission to get a bucket
This whole MVP card looks suspicious
It’s all ballers in here, except for these bitches
So I’m a stat-chaser eh?
You play like a robot with braids
Kawhi looking like a scared little rookie
Lookie, you’re fading like you owe money to a bookie
Talkin’ ‘bout LaTrell Sprewell
But you’re the one spinnin’
You’ve got a ring but Pop’s the only one winnin’
You can’t keep up with me, you’re a disgrace
On a bad day I’m Diddy on a good one you’re Mase
This guy can’t get with me on his best day
His shot’s played, Spurs ain’t getting’ by the Bay
This kid can’t play, better off takin’ pay to sing an anthem
Homeless man’s version of Marvin Gaye
I’m done with this clown, I’ll let him exhale
While I take my trophy back home to Lawndale.
[Crowd roars]
Damian Lillard: Ohhhhh!!! The crowd has spoken! It’s unanimous! Russell Westbrook is on to round two! We’ll take a break, and when we come back, it’s Westbrook, against LeBron James.
[Westbrook wins the toss]
Damian Lillard: Russ, choose.
[Westbrook points to LeBron]
Damian Lillard: Here you go LeBron. Deejay, spin that . . .
ROUND TWO – LEBRON JAMES
I’ll swat you off this court like a gnat, so sue me
This is like the Lion King
But Mufasa doesn’t die in this movie
Take some advice from someone who’s a king
They don’t bury you with your stats
Only NBA royalty gets a casket with ring
On some realness though, I kind of like you,
That’s why I don’t want to be the one whose poster that you cry to
Forget the king? I’m your leader
I feel bad I gotta bury a little stat cheater
But you know how it goes, today’s a new day
Bad news for a stat head that can’t shoot the trey
I hate to do this, I would love for this to last
So I’ll pop in the 2012 Finals DVD to remind you of your past
And all’s well that end’s okay
So I’ll end this with an “enjoy another long offseason, but have a nice day.”
[Crowd cheers]
Damian Lillard: Okay, okay, can’t be mad. Settle down, settle down. Alright, Russ is up next. Russ, you got the mike. It’s on you. You know what to do. Deejay, spin that . . .
ROUND TWO – RUSSELL WESTBROOK
LeBron, I think you were a little hard on this stat cheater
So was Mark Cuban, Daryl Morey, and some other wannabe three-peater
This guy’s screaming like someone fouled him
Quick, someone build LeBron his buffer around the rim!
What happened, you fall down? Take another fake hit?
Look, LeBron brought flop city to the Land and got it lit!
Didn’t you listen to last guy, Bron Bron?
Pay attention, I’m the king here and you’re my pawn
You went home, lucked out and won one
But now a real boss is in town
About time again for you to run
This dude thinks he’s mad dogging
He’s nothing but a puppy though
He says he’s got heart but he’s really about dough
Forget this round, the old man knows I’m the league best
No need to even mention his old teammate Delonte West.
[Crowd cheers]
Damian Lillard: Oh! That was a close one. We gotta go to the crowd again on that one. How we feelin’ about LeBron?
[Crowd cheers]
Damian Lillard: How about Russ?
[Crowd cheers]
Damian Lillard: Too close, one more time. How you feelin’ about LeBron?
[Crowd cheers]
Damian Lillard: What about Russell Westbrook?
[Crowd roars]
Damian Lillard: Say no more! Russell Westbrook is on to the finals! Anything can happen here! We’ll take another break, and be back here for the finals to decide this year’s MVP.
Damian Lillard: Here we are. The finals. This year’s MVP hangs in the balance. I know I don’t have to tell either of you how important this is. This is where legacies are started! James Harden, your team’s ahead in the standings. Call it.
James Harden: Heads.
Damian Lillard: Heads it is.
James Harden: Let that bitch go first.
Damian Lillard: Whoa, whoa, lot of anger. Lot of hostility. Russ, you know what to do. Deejay, spin that . . .
FINAL ROUND – RUSSELL WESTBROOK
Now everybody from OKC put all your hands up and follow me
I said everybody from OKC put those hands up
Look, look
Now while James is acting all tough
Notice that the beard did not have his hand up
H-Town’s got you gassed up
Now who’s afraid of the bearded pup?
One, two, three, and to the four
One shot, two shots, three shots, four
Four shots, three shots, two shots, one,
You’re shot, he’s shot, no shots, none.
This guy ain’t no NBA MVP
I know everything he’ll try to use against me
I am a ball hog, my usage rate is high enough to make your head spin
I do have more losses against these dudes than games that I win
I got heart-broken like I was in Oz and made of tin
I do got dumb friends named Enes, Steven and Nick
Who look like their moms all had too much gin
KD didn’t call before he left
He bailed on me to go stroke with Steph
And now winning does fall all on me
But I’m still standing here yelling OKC!
Don’t ever try to judge me James
You don’t what it takes for us to win games
But I know something about you
You went to ASU, that’s a party school.
What’s the matter James, you embarrassed?
This dude’s an MVP? He can’t play defense?
And James’ lack of defense leaves his coaches breathless
And James’ team plays like a circus without the tents
This guy don’t want the trophy, get his teddy
Cause he’s ethered, I proved you lost already
He’s scared to death
He’s scared to check the playoff sked, forget beard head!
Forget a beat, I’ll go a capella
Forget James, forget the games, forget the names, forget everybody!
Forget the whole league if they doubt me
I’m a scoring point guard, I say it proudly
I don’t even need the award, I’m outie
Here, tell these people how the trophy ceremony goes without me.
[Crowd roars]
Damian Lillard: James, what you gonna do? Deejay, spin that . . .
[James Harden stands there like a ghost for a few seconds and then hands the mike back to Damian Lillard as the crowd roars once more. Russell Westbrook is your 2016-2017 MVP]