RW Sits Down With Stephen Miller’s Parents

ER: We’re here with Mr. and Mrs. Miller, parents of Stephen Miller. I want to thank you for being here. I know that this isn’t easy to talk about.

Michael Miller: Thank you Eric. It is, but we feel that now is the time to get this off of our chests.

ER: Why don’t you take me back to Stephen’s childhood.

Michael Miller: It’s funny, but when people hear the name “Stephen Miller”, they think of the racist apologist that stumps for Trump. But he wasn’t like that as a child.

Miriam Miller: No, on the contrary, as a little boy he was really sweet. It wasn’t until he was a teenager that we made the decision that would ultimately change all of our lives.

ER: And what decision was that?

Michael Miller: Well, Stephen had just turned 13, and we were watching a football game, and it occurred to us . . . wouldn’t it be great if our son was Peyton Manning?

ER: I’m sorry, Peyton Manning?

Michael Miller: Yes. Peyton Manning. He had an amazing rookie season in 1998 and seemed like just a great human being.

ER: You’re aware, I assume, that your son scares little children when he talks.

Miriam Miller: Of course.

ER: So how did your desire to groom your son into Peyton Manning lead to, well, you know? And aren’t you both liberals by the way?

Michael Miller: Yes, we’re liberals, but we just love Peyton Manning. We started off slowly in trying to mold Stephen into Peyton.

Miriam Miller: That’s right. First it was little things, like gradually doing laser treatments to the front of his hairline to give him that Peyton Manning forehead.

ER: I see. Then what?

Miriam Miller: Well, we knew that Peyton Manning was a Republican, and we’re ardent liberals, so we had to start pretending to be GOPers so that Stephen could complete his transition.

ER: What about, you know, football?

Michael Miller: You’ve seen our son. It was a lost cause.

ER: So your son tried football. If you had to compare your son to a famous quarterback, which quarterback would that have been?

Michael Miller: Uncle Rico.

Miriam Miller: Carly Rae Jepsen.

Michael Miller: Miriam!

Miriam Miller: Well, it’s true.

ER: So where did the “Stephen Miller jumps into a high school girls track race” come into play?

Miriam Miller: We didn’t tell him to do that. He was too far gone at that . . .

Michael Miller: That was me.

Miriam Miller: What?! Why would you do that? Peyton wouldn’t do that!

Michael Miller: I know, it’s just that his confidence was so low. I figured that if he won at something, it would change things. Maybe he’d get good at football somehow. He was such a horrible athlete.

ER: So what happened?

Michael Miller: I just realized that it was sexist of me to assume that Stephen could beat girls in a race.

ER: And you kept up with the conservative leanings?

Miriam Miller: Yes, we told him that we had registered as Republicans.

ER: At what point did you realize that you had made a mistake with Stephen?

Michael Miller: The speech.

Miriam Miller: Yes. He ran for class president in high school and told the audience that he didn’t want to pick up his trash because they had janitors to do that.

Michael Miller: He pretty much became a racist and we couldn’t do anything about it, especially once he left home for college.

Miriam Miller: We just wanted him to be a beloved NFL quarterback who did Papa John’s commercials.

ER: I’m sorry Mrs. Miller, I didn’t mean to make you cry. Let’s wrap this up. America knows that you didn’t mean any harm. You just wanted what was best for your son.

Michael Miller: We know, but it just hurts so much.

Miriam Miller: We’re just so sorry for what we’ve done.

Michael Miller: We really are. And it hurts even more to see how much everybody loves Peyton. We still can’t watch his SNL skits.

ER: Those were great. This one was my favorite.

Michael Miller: Please, please Eric, it’s just too much for us.

ER: I’m sorry. It was a pleasure to meet you both. Thank you for your time.

Miriam Miller: Thank you for letting us tell our story.