These are serious times, historic times. Palace intrigue likely has you glued to your television screens. However, the political climate has removed the societal focus from a substance that is plaguing us: Kale. That’s right, kale. It is killing people in droves. This epidemic must be fought and eradicated.[1]
Let’s start with the basics. We know that kale tastes so very scrumptious[2] and that we all love it[3], but there’s a problem. Our sources at NASA[4] tell us that if you consume kale more than once every five years, you only have a 6% chance of survival. 6%! Do you want to die? People don’t make up stats and come up with a 6% figure. They just don’t. Whom[5] are you going to believe, hipsters and foodies, or our sources at NASA?
The people who run kale[6] have succeeded in putting into action a long and now very prosperous campaign for their leafy lies, most notably that kale has no fat and helps with digestion. But what they aren’t telling you is that it’s actually high in fat and keeps you on the toilet for days at a time. One cup of kale has 45g of saturated fat![7] If you eat salad with kale even once in a week you’ll gain roughly 75% of your body weight in that time. Do the math. If you’re 120 pounds and eat kale during a week, you’ll be 210 pounds in only a week’s time! If you start at 200, you’ll be 350 pounds in a week. Just insanity. Don’t let the corporate, money hungry kale conglomerates fool you.
Athletes are starting the trend of getting clued in regarding the kale propaganda. Some of our people[8] reached out to LeBron James and were told in no uncertain terms that “LeBron stays away from kale like the plague that it is.” Aside from his hairline, LeBron James is defying his age and playing at an other-worldly level given all of the minutes he’s played in his career. His secret? Kale avoidance. You too can be like post-The Decision LeBron James if you just avoid kale.
Finally, and as a Jew this upset our editor-in-chief most: The kale industry is anti-Semitic. We’re hearing from all sorts of sources[9] that the head of kale is a Holocaust denier. He actually made kale green because for him it symbolizes money hungry Jewish people. Isn’t that disgusting?[10] If you eat kale, you’re supporting anti-Semitism, plain and simple.
In conclusion, the science is clear when it comes to kale. If it wasn’t, how could we have written an article about it with so many numbers and footnotes? Numbers + Footnotes = Science. And if you’re not persuaded by the science, or even LeBron James, do you really want to be labeled an anti-Semite because you eat kale? Of course not. So do your body and the people who fight anti-Semitism a favor and start living your life kale free.[11]
—
[1] It’s science. Don’t question it.
[2] Gross.
[3] No we don’t. It’s disgusting.
[4] We don’t know anyone at NASA.
[5] Note the proper usage of “whom.”
[6] Initially we wrote, “Kale, Inc.” but that’s a real company’s name. Who knew?
[7] It’s probably not physically possible to fit all of that fat in one cup of those leafy weeds.
[8] We don’t have people.
[9] You’re still reading the footnotes?
[10] That’s even more disgusting than kale, and that takes some doing. Plus, it also assumes that there’s a “head of kale.”
[11] Yes, this was written entirely so that our editor-in-chief’s mother-in-law won’t put kale in her salad next time he’s over at his in-laws’ house for dinner. She said there were no articles purporting that kale was bad for you last time. My how the tables have turned.