Dana Bash: Welcome to tonight’s debate. I’m sorry we’re getting off to a late start but it took a long time to get the Silence of the Lambs mask on to Mr. Trump’s face. But we’re here now.
Jake Tapper: And just as a reminder, please hold your applause and booing until the debate is over.
Dana Bash: With that, let’s get started. President Biden and Former President and Current Felon, Donald Trump, welcome. Thank you for being here for tonight’s debate. Our first question is to you, President Biden. Obviously, immigration is a large issue in this year’s election. How do you plan on revamping our immigration system and getting the border the resources it needs?
President Biden: Well, first, thank you for having me and good evening to all of you here and watching at home. Dana, your question about immigration is a great one. Our campaign has created “Latinos con Biden-Harris.” We’re really listening to what Latinos want to hear.
Dana Bash: I’m not sure that answers the question and we find that Latinos care most about the economy, but, duly noted. Mr. Trump, same question to you.
Felon Trump: Dana, I know you are from CNN and you are being very unfair to me with your fake news.
Dana Bash: Um, it’s the same question I asked the President. If memory serves from one minute ago, I said, “Mr. Trump, same question to you.”
Felon Trump: Fake news. But immigration. Let me tell you. I’ll fix it in one day. I watched this movie. It’s an amazing movie. Great movie. It’s called Austin Powers 2. Dr. Evil. Brilliant man. Like my friend, Putin. Dr. Evil, great man. Immigration? Five words. Sharks. With. Laser. Beams.
Jake Tapper: That’s four words.
Felon Trump: Fake news. Sharks. With. Laser. Beams. We put them in the Rio Grande, which we will rename as Trump River. We also put them in the Sea of Cortez, which will be Ivanka Water Place. So the immigrants will either get laser beamed by the sharks or they will make it into our new fight club.
Jake Tapper: So, I guess that’s immigration. Next question to you, Mr. Trump. Gaza. What we saw on October 7 was petrifying. Israel has of course since retaliated to Hamas’ massacre and there is massive death and suffering in Gaza. We know there are many who blame Israel, many who blame Prime Minister Netanyahu, and many who blame Hamas, especially for their use of civilians as human shields. How would you approach the war differently?
Felon Trump: I love Israel. It is the best place I’ve ever been. No sharks there. Lots of salt in the water. The salt stops the electrocution. Jews are the best. Especially at law, accounting, and other things I’m okay being around Jews for.
Dana Bash: Mr. Trump, I have a follow up to whatever that was. If I told you that you would win the election in November by switching your allegiance from Israel to Hamas, what would you. . .
Felon Trump: Death to Israel. Death to America.
Dana Bash: Gotcha. President Biden, what would you do differently with Israel and Hamas and how can the U.S. help end the suffering?
President Biden: Get someone who cares more about Palestinian lives than Jewish deaths in charge of Gaza and the West Bank and turn Israel over to the centrists.
Dana Bash: How do you do that?
President Biden: No idea.
Jake Tapper: Ok, on to the economy. President Biden, most Americans when polled will tell you that they are hurting. How do we make the government work for those people?
President Biden: Thank you for that question, Jake. I know people are hurting but the numbers are actually on our side. Inflation is at 3.4%, down from the peak of 9.1% in June of 2022. Unemployment is at its lowest in 60 years. I just need the Fed to lower rates so people like me better.
Dana Bash: Same question to you, Mr. Trump.
Felon Trump: Again, very unfair Dana from Fake News CNN.
Dana Bash: I literally said, “Same question to you, Mr. Trump.” We can show it to you on video. In fact, let’s do that.
[Video shown]
Felon Trump: That’s AI. More fake news. Ok. Economy. I’m rich. Really rich. Like Dr. Evil rich. Here’s what we’ll do. Let me tell you . . . Trump Bucks. We change the dollar to Trump Bucks. Economy solved. One day. Fixed.
Dana Bash: We actually had several more questions for this debate but I think our audience gets the picture. I will give you each 30 seconds to . . . Strike that. My producer is telling me we’re just done. Good night.
[Felon Trump is taken backstage on the Hannibal Lecter dolly. President Biden puts on his aviators and stands there smiling]