You may have noticed that there were way too many candidates on the stage for both nights of the Democratic debate. That left all of the candidates with some time to do some thinking. Using my ESP powers, I was able to determine what went through each candidate’s mind. We’ll go in order of polling numbers, starting with the lowest polling candidate.
MARIANNE WILLIAMSON – I own 37 cats. Their names are Cuddles, Smurfette, Dolly, Muffins, Bugs. . . Yay! My question! I can’t believe they let me up here!
ERIC SWALWELL – Bernie wouldn’t rip my toupee off in front of all these people, would he? I mean, he’s crazy, but not that crazy . . . I think he’s not that crazy. Focus Swally! Focus!
JOHN HICKENLOOPER – How much does teeth whitening cost? None of these people are listening to me, are they?
BILL de BLASIO – Nobody likes me. Everybody hates me. Think I’ll eat some worms . . .
JOHN DELANEY – Yippee! Who’s ready for some crazy ish to come out of my mouth? I know I am!
JAY INSLEE – After I bow out of this race, I bet I can get a role as a prison guard on a TV drama. Yeah. That sounds like fun.
MICHAEL BENNET – Why do I feel like Michael Bennett the football player has more name recognition than I do? Oh, that’s right. Because he does. Should I spice things up and start spelling my name like him? . . . Nah.
KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND – Guess what has two thumbs and just realized that I can get away with interrupting people every five seconds? This gal!
TIM RYAN – Wrong year to be a white guy. I guess I better just start perspiring and hope that someone notices.
JULIAN CASTRO – Does everyone know I’m Hispanic? The “Castro” last name should give it away. I’d better add some Espanol in this answer just in case.
TULSI GABBARD – Please don’t say anything about Assad. Please don’t say anything about Assad. Please don’t say anything about Assad. . . Damn it!
AMY KLOBUCHAR – Can we make this about policy and stuff that actually has a chance of becoming law? No? More pandering? Ugh.
ANDREW YANG – They ask me one question and of course it’s about China. “Oh, look everybody, there’s an Asian guy running! Let’s ask him some Asian shit!” Fuckers.
CORY BOOKER – Everyone here is trying to say how much they love African Americans. Have they noticed something? I’M BLACK!!! NO, REALLY! LOOK!
BETO O’ROURKE – My coach told me to bob and weave with my body as I talk. Is it working? Am I doing it enough? Maybe I should do it a little more. There we go. That’s better.
PETE BUTTIGIEG – Seriously? That South Bend cop had to kill a black guy right before this debate? Why can’t we just see who the smartest person in the room is by having us try to explain things in seven different languages? Si se puede!
KAMALA HARRIS – I am a terminator. Sent here for one reason. Kill. Joe. Biden.
ELIZABETH WARREN – I know pi down to 282 decimal points. Does anybody else here? No. But I have a plan for that!
BERNIE SANDERS – Millionaires and billionaires. Billionaires and millionaires. Millionaires and billionaires. Wall Street. Wall Street. Wall Street. Health care. Health care. Health care.
JOE BIDEN – Why do they keep asking me all these questions? I just want to stand here, smile, and see how many times I can say Barack Obama’s name! Ok, I want to rub some shoulders too. . . Wait, are they talking to me? Again? What was the question? Someone get me a cookie. One of those Mallomars.