Robert Mueller Hearing Transcript

Here at RW, we have investigators who are so good at their jobs that they can go into the future, grab the transcript from the Robert Mueller hearing, and bring it back to us. Honest, that’s what we did. Here are some highlights from tomorrow’s underwhelming hearing in Congress.

Note: If you want to read a synopsis of the actual Mueller Report and see what was covered, click here for the Rudin Writes summary.

Demoratic Congressmember: Mr. Mueller, President Trump has been saying that he was totally exonerated by your report. Is that true?

Robert Mueller: No.

Republican Congressmember: Hey scumbag, isn’t it true that you hate Trump and therefore hate America and the flag?!

Robert Mueller: That was not part of my report and therefore I cannot answer that question given the legal argument posited by the Justice Department.

Lindsey Graham: I love President Trump. He is the most honest man and greatest President in recorded history!

 (Photo By Michael Reynolds-Pool/Getty Images)

Democratic Congressmember: Senator Graham? You’re not supposed to be in here.

Lindsey Graham: I know. That’s how much I love this President! . . . Okay, I’m leaving now. 

Democratic Congressmember: Mr. Mueller, you heard Attorney General William Barr’s press conference before the release of your report. He lied, didn’t he?

Robert Mueller: That was not part of my report and therefore I cannot answer that question given the legal argument posited by the Justice Department.

Republican Congressmember: The real scandal isn’t anything that President Trump did because he was exonerated, right? The real scandal is what the Obama Administration did in spying on President Trump, his family, and Sean Hannity, isn’t it?

Robert Mueller: President Trump was not exonerated. As to the rest of your question, that was not part of my report and therefore I cannot answer that question given the legal argument posited by the Justice Department.

Democratic Congressmember: Why didn’t you interview Donald Trump Jr. with regard to the Trump Tower meeting?

Robert Mueller (sweating): That was not part of my report and therefore I cannot answer that question given the legal argument posited by the Justice Department.

Democratic Congressmember: Everything alright Mr. Mueller? You seem nervous and oddly robotic.

Robert Mueller: That was not part of my report and therefore I cannot answer that question given the legal argument posited by the Justice Department.

Republican Congressmember: It wasn’t President Trump that was friends with Jeffrey Epstein; it was you, wasn’t it?!

Robert Mueller: That was not part of my report and therefore I cannot answer that question given the legal argument posited by the Justice Department.

Democratic Congressmember: Speaking of President Trump, why didn’t you subpoena him?

Robert Mueller: That was not part of my report and therefore I cannot answer that question given the legal argument posited by the Justice Department.

Democratic Congressmember: President Trump keeps saying, “no collusion, no obstruction.” He’s incorrect on both accounts, right?

Robert Mueller: The report speaks for itself. I cannot comment on any conclusions I drew because that was not part of my report and therefore I cannot answer that question given the legal argument posited by the Justice Department.

Republican Congressmember: How much did AOC and the Squad pay you to betray President Trump and your country?

Robert Mueller (dumbstruck, still sweating): I . . . I . . . That was not part of my report and therefore I cannot answer that question given the legal argument posited by the Justice Department.

Democratic Congressmember: President Trump colluded with Russia didn’t he? And then afterward, he obstructed justice in trying to cover up his ties to Russia, didn’t he Special Counsel Mueller?! 

Robert Mueller: YES! YES! OF COURSE HE DID! ARE ALL OF YOU BLIND, STUPID, OR JUST TOO INCOMPETENT TO DO YOUR JOBS? DID YOU READ THE REPORT?! I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!! . . . I mean, that was not part of my report and therefore I cannot answer that question given the legal argument posited by the Justice Department.

Note: That last exchange didn’t happen. If Robert Mueller had a spine it might have. But he doesn’t. And so it didn’t.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.