As I am sure you know by now, some FIFA executives are in some legal trouble. If you read the indictment and thought to yourself, hmm, it sure does seem like they have some of these guys on wiretaps, well, you were right. And we here at RW have obtained one of those wiretaps.
FIFA headquarters Forrenweidstrasse, 8044 Zürich, Switzerland
Rafael Esquivel (President of the Venezuelan association): Are we waiting for Chuck or are we just going to start?
Eugenio Figueredo (Former President of CONMEBOL, the South American federation and outgoing FIFA Vice President): He’s probably feeding his cats again.
Chuck Blazer (Former FIFA Executive Committee member, former CONCACAF General Secretary, and former Executive Vice President of the U.S. Soccer Federation): Very funny Eugene. I’m here.
Eugenio Figueredo: It’s Eugenio.
Chuck Blazer: You got it Gene.
Rafael Esquivel: Guys, guys, not again. But speaking of names, Nicolas, did you realize you can request a knighthood from England in exchange for the Cup?
Nicolas Leoz (Former President of CONMEBOL and former FIFA Executive Committee member): That’s Sir Nicolas.
Costas Takkas (Former President of the Cayman Islands federation): Cute, how much are we giving to Bing Bong and Click Click?
Julio Rocha (President of the Nicaraguan association): Bing Bong and Click Click?
Costas Takkas: Yes, you know, the soccer federation guys for, what are those countries again?
Jose Maria Marin (Former President of the Brazil federation): You mean the guys from Vanuatu and Togo?
Costas Takkas: Yes, Bing Bong and Click Click.
Jose Maria Marin: I’m pretty sure those aren’t their names Costas.
Costas Takkas: Really? Okay, but how much?
Jose Maria Marin: Not much at all. You’d be surprised how far $100,000 travels in their countries.
Costas Takkas: And what’s our take after all this?
Jose Maria Marin: The usual.
Costas Takkas: So Alejandro is going to handle it?
Nicolas Leoz: I think this one is through Hugo.
Jack Warner (former President of CONCACAF and former Vice President of FIFA): Nicolas, what’s going on with the Gold Cup?
Nicolas Leoz: Not sure. I’m waiting to hear back from Aaron on who wants what.
Jack Warner: Are we getting our Nike outfits?
Jose Maria Marin: I can take care of that. Besides the 30 million, I love their commercials.
Costas Takkas: Is anybody worried about what happens if we get caught doing any of this?
Jose Maria Marin: No. Chuck, why do you keep looking down your own shirt?
Chuck Blazer: No reason.
Eugenio Figueredo: Chuck, has anybody ever told you that you look like a pregnant otter?
Chuck Blazer: You stole that joke from Men in Blazers when they were making fun of LVG.
Costas Takkas: We’re allowed to watch Men in Blazers?
Jose Maria Marin: No.
Costas Takkas: But back to what I was saying, aren’t you at all worried about getting caught?
Jack Warner: If we do get caught with any of this why can’t we just blame the Jews?
Jeffrey Webb (President of CONCACAF, and Vice President of FIFA): Didn’t you already try that?
Jack Warner: Yes, never mind.
After they were arrested in Zurich, some of the FIFA executives held a Casinoesque courthouse meeting. We at RW obtained that wiretap as well.
Costas Takkas: Okay, whose job was it to bribe the Americans and the Swiss?
Nicolas Leoz: It was mine. President Clinton turned down the bribe.
Eduardo Li (President of the Costa Rican federation, set to join the FIFA Executive Committee next week): Why didn’t you just send the girls to his room?
Nicolas Leoz: Oh.
Eduardo Li: What about the Swiss?
Nicolas Leoz: I thought they would just do what the Americans did.
Eduardo Li: Idiot! You really thought the Swiss gave a crap about the Americans? They care about money! What, you figure the Swiss stay “neutral” with Nazism but FIFA is where they draw the line?
Nicolas Leoz: I . . .
Eduardo Li: Enough! I’m getting a headache without my purified oxygen-infused sleep chamber.
Jeffrey Webb: By the way, where’s Sepp?
Rafael Esquivel: Being re-elected again.
Jeffrey Webb: How did that pig not get arrested with the rest of us?
Rafael Esquivel: I guess they’re saving the best for last. Either that or he’ll just blow his own head off in a bunker.
Eugenio Figueredo: So what do we do now?
Costas Takkas: Bribe the Americans.
Eugenio Figueredo: And how do you propose we do that?
Costas Takkas: Jeffrey, get the Koch brothers on the line, pronto.
Jeffrey Webb: Done.