Making the Republican Party Great Again

We all know that the Republican Party is a dumpster fire at this point with President Trump at the helm. What they really need is a win and that win isn’t coming any time soon after the loss on healthcare. Whom can the GOP really rally around at the present? Mitch McConnell can’t get it done. Paul Ryan’s Republicans in the House poll about as well as a bad case of gonorrhea. Not that there is a good case of gonorrhea. But you get what I mean. The Republicans badly need a project that they can claim as their own and one that leads to a success of grand proportions.

It is with that in mind that I beg of the Republicans to make Clayton Kershaw’s health their number one priority for the next three months. President Trump will be taking a vacation for 17 days. That is more than enough time to divert unused science funds toward Kershaw’s back.

Let’s take a look at the state of science in Trump’s America. We’ve got an EPA that doesn’t want to use its resources to protect the environment. Then there are the cuts to NASA. And most importantly for our purposes, we have a head of Health and Human Services who has no desire to do anything other than to dismantle healthcare as we know it in favor of the nation’s top earners.

So . . . let’s use all of those resources to come up with a solution for Kershaw’s back ailment! Even in slow motion you can see why Kershaw might develop a back issue, namely one in which a lumbar disc protrudes and hits a nerve root. Rather than tinker with the poetry in motion that is Kershaw’s pitching motion, let’s have the government scientists concoct a machine that automatically heals Kershaw’s back. There, done.

Why Kershaw? Well, it’s long been rumored that he is a Republican because of his deep religious beliefs. So if the Republicans can heal Kershaw’s back in time for the playoffs, the Dodgers will have a 1-2-3 of Kershaw-newly acquired Darvish-Wood. Plus, Kenta Maeda is coming on. The Dodgers could really win the World Series! Then, the Republicans reveal that they were the ones who healed Kershaw and announce that he’ll be running for President in 2020. I don’t see how the Republicans lose California if Kershaw is their nominee.

So it is therefore my recommendation to the party across the aisle that they get straight to work on Kershaw. Time is a wasting and this is an opportunity that will only come along once. Dodgers 2017 and Kershaw 2020!

Note: Yes, I do realize that as a Republican that Clayton Kershaw and his wife will have to stop doing so many amazing things for those less fortunate and start only helping rich folk. It’s a price we’ll have to pay.