There are a lot of times when sports make you think about larger issues in society like race, violence, religion, brain trauma, and all sorts of other issues. But this past week I got an unexpected jolt of inner debate from an unexpected source, Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker James Harrison.
Harrison posted a picture from his Instagram account of two “Student Athlete” trophies his sons, ages 8 and 6, had received with the following written below it:
I came home to find out that my boys received two trophies for nothing, participation trophies! While I am very proud of my boys for everything they do and will encourage them till the day I die, these trophies will be given back until they EARN a real trophy. I’m sorry I’m not sorry for believing that everything in life should be earned and I’m not about to raise two boys to be men by making them believe that they are entitled to something just because they tried their best…cause sometimes your best is not enough, and that should drive you to want to do better…not cry and whine until somebody gives you something to shut u up and keep you happy. #harrisonfamilyvalues
His post started a national debate about participation trophies. Many shared Harrison’s beliefs, that participation leads to entitlement in today’s youth and the general “wussification” of America. Others disagreed and vehemently so.
My problem? Why can’t there be room for nuance? James Harrison has two children, one 6, and the other 8. If it were up to me, the 6-year-old would get a participation trophy and the 8-year-old wouldn’t. Why? Because I believe that when kids are 5 and 6, some up to 7, that they should be learning to enjoy playing sports and the fundamentals. Once they get a little order to the point where the majority of the kids can dribble down the court without traveling every other step, then they can start learning about winning and losing. The 6-year-old? He or she is beyond ecstatic upon receiving that trophy. The 8-year-old? Less so, and for good reason.
The problem with some children is not that they are given trophies for participating. The problem is that some parents, teachers, and coaches are giving their kids every last thing they want without teaching those kids life skills that will make them productive adults in society. Too many children are growing up thinking they’re entitled to something without working for it. Does a participation trophy reinforce that? Maybe, a couple of times a year. But that’s not the problem. The problem is the other three hundred and some odd days.
Too many children have giant egos that have been created for them. You’ve all heard someone describe his or her kid by saying something like: Little Johnnie is the greatest. He’s the best player on the team. He’s great in school. Everybody loves him. There are thousands of variations, but you get the point.
A recent article demonstrated that “When children are seen by their parents as being more special and more entitled than other children, they may internalize the view that they are superior individuals…”
In other words, parents are creating narcissists out of their Little Johnnies. Participation trophies are not making those kids feel more special and entitled than their teammates or competitors.
I’m reminded of a game I refereed a couple of years ago at the recreation center for 5 and 6-year-olds in an upper-middle-class neighborhood. The ball went out of bounds and one of the kids picked up the ball. Because I blew the whistle, the kids had learned that the ref needs to get the ball in order to re-start play. This particular kid apparently failed to get the memo.
Me: May I have the ball please?
Kid: No.
Me: Ball please.
Kid: No.
Me: Give me the ball please. I need it to start the game again. Everybody’s waiting.
Kid: No.
Me: Give me the ball now!
Kid: Why?
Me: Because I said so.
The kid finally gave me the ball and as soon as he did, I had the following interaction with a nearby parent:
Parent: Did you just say, “because I said so?”
Me: I’m sorry but I needed to get the game going and he wasn’t handing over the ball.
Parent: No, that was great. That was my son. I never thought of saying that.
She never thought of saying that? You’re the mother! How have you never thought of “because I said so” as a never fail last resort? You’re five times his size and you’re his mother! You give him food and shelter. He literally has to listen to you.
The moral of the story? Trophy or not, that kid is growing up entitled. Participation trophies for 5-year-olds aren’t the problem. And you know what, participation trophies for 11-year-olds aren’t the problem either. They’re just a symptom of the entitlement problem that has been ingrained in these children’s minds far more than one day per season. If you want to stop narcissistic behavior, you’re going to have to do actual work, not just take away a little statue.
A coach who teaches his kids about teamwork, focus, and responsibility throughout a season is not going to have his or her efforts thwarted by a simple trophy at the end of that season. Nor will a teacher lose his or her credibility as a strict but fair educator if he or she gives students an occasional treat like “no quiz today!” And finally, if parents are doing their jobs, no trophy is going to undo the countless hours of daily work put in by parents.
If you teach kids to have pride in what they do, to be good teammates, and to be grateful, guess what, they might turn in those participation trophies on their own when they get old enough to understand.
Believe me, when they get old enough, kids want to win, but they also want to be good kids. It’s what we teach them about both that will make the ultimate difference in their lives, not whether they get a trophy that they’ll forget about the next day anyway.
All kids are entitled. Raising a kid is too difficult not to give them what they want. As parents you just want to be left alone so you can take care of your shit and not have little Johnnie bothering you all the time, so you give him something to occupy his time. That is where it starts. Where it ends is in a heap of tears in the corner when little Johnnie realizes he can’t get what he wants all the time. Then he goes to sleep, wakes up and the cycle is repeated until puberty, when he realizes that he actually is entitled to nothing because he is little, fat and smelly.
Participation trophies are great for ages 5-8. After that it should be a free Froyo at Yogurtland, except the 1st and 2nd place finishers get pimp ass gold necklaces that say “Winner”.
Peace out.
I am not disagreeing with your cut-off age for participation trophies as little kids need something to make them feel great for doing their best. But I think that, despite the fact that you referee, I think the only way to make a fair assessment is to have kids of your own because then you can see what it feels like firsthand to see if they deserve a trophy or need one to make them feel value. And although I don’t have any kids old enough to pass the cut-off, when I was a kid getting a trophy as a 12-14 year old after my team finished near the bottom of the standings, it was more of an embarrassment than an honor.