Michael Sam: As you know, we’ve all gathered here at the conference room of this local recreation center for an intervention for our dear friend Johnny Football.
Denise Michels: It’s Jonathan. Jonathan Football.
Michael Sam: Sure, we can work with that. Ms. Michels. While we’re on the topic, would you mind waking Jonathan up. He appears to be passed out and drooling on your arm.
Denise Michels: That’s an unfair characterization. He’s just meditating and envisioning himself identifying blitzes while 100% sober.
Curt Schilling: Whatever. As long as he uses the right bathroom, I really don’t give a crap.
Johnny Manziel: Bathroom? Good idea.
Curt Schilling: Do you have a penis?
Johnny Manziel: Yea man. Wanna see it? OVO!
Denise Michels: Jonathan! Get your hands off that zipper!
Curt Schilling: No. Go use the men’s room as God intended it!
Andrew Shaw: If you ask me, you’re all acting like a bunch of fa-
Michael Sam: Now Andrew, we’re here to help, not throw hateful slurs around.
Andrew Shaw: What? I forgot what I was going to say.
Michael Sam: Now Andrew . . .
Andrew Shaw: I was just going to say that you’re all acting like a bunch of fascists. Go on. Continue.
Conor McGregor: That’s it! I’m leaving!
Michael Sam: Conor, c’mon we were just . . .
Conor McGregor: Just kidding. I’m back!
Michael Sam: Now can we please get on with the intervention? Johnny . . .
Denise Michels: Ahem!
Michael Sam: Sorry, Jonathan really needs our help. His career is spiraling out of control and his life hangs in the balance. You there, miss, I don’t know your name. Is there something you’d like to add?
Random 21 Year Old Girl: No, not really. I met him out in West Hollywood the other night and I just wanted to make sure he doesn’t have any STD’s.
Michael Sam: Wonderful.
Random 21 Year Old Girl: Well does he?
Johnny Manziel: OVO crew!
Michael Sam: What does that even mean?
Johnny Manziel: My homey Drake and I are headin’ out tonight. Greystone’s on you buddy!
Drake: Actually, I’m kicking you out of the OVO crew. You’re toxic man.
Johnny Manziel: But I have the OVO tattoo!
Drake: Sorry, you’re out. Gotta run. I have to go shoot a video with Rihanna. One love.
Andrew Shaw: Now that dude is a fa-
Michael Sam: Andrew! Don’t make me come over there.
Andrew Shaw: What? I was just going to say that Drake is a fantastic rapper and performer. Jumpman jumpman jumpman. That’s one catchy song. And I love the Taylor Swift commercial with it.
Johnny Manziel (crying): Drake!
Michael Sam: People! Now don’t you see? He’s a broken man.
Adrien Broner: It wasn’t me this time. I didn’t do it.
Andrew Shaw: Adrien, how are you going to lose $12k to a guy on a bowling bet then rob him in the parking lot to get your money back? That’s a big time ga-
Michael Sam: Andrew!
Andrew Shaw: Gambling move. Michael, I think you have the wrong idea about me. And why do you have to be so sensitive? You know something, you’re acting like a real . . .
Johnny Manziel: Michael, that was a great tackle. Andrew’s not even moving on the ground there. See, you’ve been black listed from the NFL too. You know how it feels.
Michael Sam: I know Jonathan. We’re all here for you.
Johnny Manziel (sniffling): Thanks Michael.
Michael Sam: Did you just do a line off of Andrew Shaw’s unconscious body?
Johnny Manziel (white powder on nose): Um, no. Seriously though. Who wants to see my dick?
Denise Michels: Jonathan! Put your clothes back on!
Curt Schilling: God will have his vengeance Johnny Football.
Michael Sam: Thank you all for being here. I think this was very productive.
Denise Michels: I’m not kidding Jonathan. If you don’t put your clothes on right now, I’m terminating our contract!
Random 21 year old girl: So, where are we on the STD question? Yes? No?
Johnny Football: You can STDeeznuts! Hahahaha!
Michael Sam: There are bagels and parking validations on your way out. Thank you all again.