Here we are, another football season upon us. We’re off to a rough start with regard to our college picks so hopefully we can right the ship by giving you an accurate accounting of how the NFL teams measure up against one another. The plan is to do this Power Rankings column quarterly either to heap praise upon ourselves or to say we were hacked when typing up this initial column and then try again.
One trend you’ll notice: There are a lot of teams with REALLY shoddy QB situations. If only there was an unsigned free agent that the teams could Colin to help. Colin? See what we did there? Like call in? Don’t forget to tip your waiter.
Before we get to the rankings, here’s some video of the next guy some team will sign before Kaepernick:
- New York Jets
Jets fans will be better served trying to figure out which college QB they want to draft with the number one pick next year.
- Buffalo Bills
The Bills removed every offensive weapon not named LeSean McCoy and then Tyrod Taylor got a concussion. The defense is decent but that offense is whatever a stronger word for putrid is.
- Indianapolis Colts
The Colts are wisely being cautious with Andrew Luck. No reason to rush him back from shoulder surgery because they weren’t going to be contending this season anyway.
- Los Angeles Rams
Jared Goff: Not good at football.
- San Francisco 49ers
There are about seven teams that would rather have the Niners’ Hoyer who starts the season at QB for San Francisco. No, seriously. The 49ers are trending in the right direction but are still a couple of years away.
- Chicago Bears
The “We Want Trubisky” chants will start by week three. Mike Glennon just can’t catch a break, except that he keeps getting millions of dollars to play football.
- Cleveland Browns
The Browns might actually be building a team that can make the playoffs in the next few seasons. But don’t you miss the hapless front office Browns?
- Jacksonville Jaguars
What a waste of a solid defense and running game. Here’s yet another team with no QB, except the Jags would be contending for a playoff spot with even a mediocre one.
- Washington Football Club
Take the over when they play. Solid aerial attack and zero defense.
- Minnesota Vikings
The offensive line leaves a lot to be desired and we’re not necessarily buying into that defense either. Most people have Minnesota as a wildcard team. Not us.
- Miami Dolphins
Get ready for some Jay Cutler grimaces Dolphin fans. You may not remember, but “[Your team] and Jay Cutler have expressed mutual interest” is one of 50 ways to know that bad sports news is coming your way.
- Cincinnati Bengals
Major gaps to fill on both the offensive and defensive lines. Another mediocre year for the Bengals.
- Detroit Lions
Welcome to season number 9 of people questioning whether Matthew Stafford is a franchise QB while ignoring that the Lions have no defense.
- Carolina Panthers
The Panthers did add a nice weapon in Christian McCaffrey but protecting Cam Newton remains an issue as does what used to be a great defense.
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Everyone is always in on the Hard Knocks team and this year is no different. Count us as unconvinced until we see a balanced offense that doesn’t turn the ball over. That said, the defense got a nice add in T.J. Ward.
- Los Angeles Chargers
One of our surprise teams this season. They are definitely not flashy but the offense is decent and that pass rush is fierce featuring Joey Bosa and Melvin Ingram.
- New Orleans Saints
The defense is not as bad as you think it is if the preseason is any indicator and you know that they’re going to put up points. Plus, how can a team cheered on by Jarrius Robertson not exceed expectations?
- Baltimore Ravens
Joe Flacco had better stay healthy because if it’s Ryan Mallett time, this is a team with a Power Ranking of 25.
- Philadelphia Eagles
The front office surrounded Carson Wentz with some nice weapons in the off-season. Wentz, like your significant other’s fish recipes, still probably needs some more seasoning, but if he’s ready, the Eagles could be in the playoff hunt.
- Denver Broncos
The D is great but we just don’t see Trevor Siemian as a victorious QB in the playoffs. We definitely laughed a little too loudly when editing this column and reading “The D is great.”
- Arizona Cardinals
Carson Palmer can still be effective and if you play fantasy football (of course you do) then you know who David Johnson is. We’re just uncertain as to Arizona’s ability to stop the run.
- Tennessee Titans
Hopefully there’s room for us on this crowded bandwagon.
- Houston Texans
Remember how well and inspired the Saints played post-Katrina. You don’t think the city of Houston is ready for some football? By the way, J.J. Watt is an amazing human being, having raised $20M plus for hurricane relief.
- Dallas Cowboys
Tim Cowlishaw mentioned this on the Dan Patrick Show: The Cowboys are better off having Elliott serve his suspension this year because the team is still quite young and built more to contend next season anyway.
- New York Giants
Don’t sleep on the G-Men this year. Eli has some new weapons in Brandon Marshall and Evan Engram. They’ve also quietly built a great secondary.
- Pittsburgh Steelers
Everybody’s high on the Steelers (no, that’s not a Le’Veon Bell dig) and with good reason; however, Big Ben has been showing his age and we don’t think he stays upright long enough to lead the Steelers to the promised land.
- Kansas City Chiefs
Alex Smith, the game manager, sure does manage to win a lot of games. Rookie Kareem Hunt will be exciting to watch out of the backfield and their defense, which we’re banking on to be healthy, is a dominant force.
- Oakland Raiders
We’ll see how the Marshawn Lynch addition pans out but regardless, the Raiders’ young guns have another year under their belt and are poised to pick up where they left off last season before Carr went down.
- Atlanta Falcons
This is still a team that was 20 minutes away from a dominant Super Bowl victory over everybody’s lock to win this year. There’s still a lot to like here.
- Green Bay Packers
In a league where quarterback play has become even more consequential as a result of rule changes over the years, we’re going out on a limb and saying that the team with Aaron Rodgers might be underrated this season despite secondary issues.
- Seattle Seahawks
Seattle added Sheldon Richardson to an already stacked defense and Russell Wilson is healthy. Nobody is going to want to play this team. Get ready for a lot of annoying Pete Carroll gum smacking.
- New England Patriots
As weird as it sounds given this ranking and Super Bowl prediction, the Patriots are overrated. They are the favorites going into the season for good reason, but people are talking 19-0 and Super Bowl lock. That is far from the case. We would not be surprised to see any of the top eight teams here win it all. On a side note, should we start a gofundme to raise money and bribe an NFL reporter to ask Bill Belichick and Tom Brady about their support for Donald Trump at every press conference and interview?
Divisional Champion and Super Bowl predictions:
NFC West – Seahawks
NFC South – Falcons
NFC North – Packers
NFC East – Giants
AFC West – Raiders
AFC South – Texans
AFC North – Steelers
AFC East – Patriots
Super Bowl – Patriots 31 – Seahawks 24
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